Leena

05:58 pm: ffs...
its half term, and marcus and I have the house to ourselves. All well and good, but at the same time, people are in dire need of help. well, not dire need, but we are very aware of the need to stay in a hotel for another week whilst paperwork etc is completed and checked before moving in dates can be set.

Add to that the fact that I'm starting to realise exactly how bad my depression has sunk, and its getting worse, despite being on tablets for it (yes, I know, I have to give them a chance to kick in), and I really need more sub time than I am getting. Its close to the point where I am going to start hurting myself for the release I need. and yeah, I know, dangerous times call for dangerous measures...

I hate all this sneaking around, being quiet and trying not to hurt anyones feelings, but the way I have been, I really don't want to have to continue like this, because its making me feel worse. plus all the assignments I need to catch up on, I have a busy week ahead of me :(

i wish I could just cut out that side of my life that is so damn needy at the moment, and leave it in a cupboard for a while, at least until I get my assignments out the way and move into our new flat. It wuld make things so much easier, but instead I am stuck with these feelings of worthlessness and hatred of myself, and I really don't know how much longer this is going to go on, before something gives...

I think I need to go and see Chopper. Or D...

12:56 pm: ok...
I'm not feeling all that great right now, and I have no idea why.

It could be the fact that Marcus and I have put a holding deposit down on a flat and are set to move in on the 2nd July, and I'm anxious about my credit check.

It might be the fact that I started my medication today: Citalopram for my depression/anxiety.

It might also be the fact that I have just 4/5 weeks left of this year and have a few assignments to get finished and handed in >.>

Either way, i feel like crap, and really don't want to be here at college today.

But oh well.

at least I know what I need to be doing, and can get on with it.

Plus I have just managed to finish two assignments. Just need to get them printed off (at home, as I have no print credits) and handed in, but that will be next week, which is supposed to be half term, but I am going to be in everyday to catch up with old assignments.

I'm tempted to do a full entry now, and catch up on what i have missed (its been a hellish 2 weeks) but I need to crack on whilst the creativity os still flowing :)

Will try to update tonight after work.

*love and hugs*

10:36 am: hmmm...
Marcus made a comment yesterday, and I didn't think much of it at the time, but now that I think about it...

I feel used, and not in a good way. I hope he was wrong, because it's not nice being made a scapegoat, but maybe my coming on the scene was what she was waiting for, to make that final step and end the relationship.

Especially if this is something that has been going on for a while. It seems odd how suddenly it is now that she has decided to end the relationship and pursue other "interests". Am I just an unhappy coincidence?

meh...

Still, I'm not taking sides over this. Its a minor blip, and things will iron out, one way or another.

promise :)

02:44 pm: If only...

I saw this one coming, but I was powerless to stop it. If only I could do something, anything, to make it better.

It's in the hands of fate now. All I can do is watch and wait to be called upon...

*sigh*

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: via ljapp

01:22 pm: yanno what?
No.

Just No.

ok?

10:54 am: *giggles*
Yeah, I know I didn't do a proper update yesterday, but I got waylaid doing coursework and work. :) I think I am a allowed to be distracted with that ;)

So anyway, yesterday was an interesting one. College was good, and I have started to apply myself properly, despite the fact I am excited about next week. I am still behind on a number of assignments, but I think I know what I am doing for them now, so I can just get on, (as I have been). I even managed to start the big coding project we have too, which i managed to half complete in the class.

Then I got a text from Karl, saying he misses me. hense the post I made yesterday afternoon. I wish he would just leave me alone. It is hard enough not talking to him and trying to get over him, without him sending me messages like that. He has no intention to leave Dani, so I have decided to wipe my hands of him. its just a little hard when he does that to me, and I think he knows it too. Still, I'm getting there, with the love and attention from chief_heckler and my Master, master_storm.

I was at college until 4.30. I had another end of chapter Cisco exam, which I passed with 70.7%, which is the minmum mark required. I still have 2 exams to retake, but it seems that the class is taking the full exam next week whilst I am on holiday. Oh well, I'll have to take it when I get back.

Work was good, there was nothing for me to do, other than just sit there in the bar and chat, as no-one wanted food, and there were not many customers in. It was nice to be able to jsut chat with some of the customers I don't see very often. I was finished and home by about 9.10pm :)

I made a plate of salad for dinner, and sautéd some potatoes and roast beef with peppers and spring onion, and gosh did it taste good :) I miss cooking, and should really start doing it more :)

after dinner, I got my laptop out and did some more work on my coding assignment: creating a cash register in Visual Studio. I got stuck at one point, so shut down, but by the time marcus and I had finished messing about and stuff, it was 1.30am, so it was time to go to sleep.

I woke up this morning horny as hell, which is impressive considering how much pain I have been in for the last few days >.> I asked permission though, and was allowed to play and cum, so I was happy, and it means that I have been bouncing all day.

First lesson was with Sarah, but as she was doing other things at the same time, we were allowed to just get on with our other work. I chose to do Ass 3 for Nich (the coding) and have in fact managed to finish the coding, with a little bit of help from Nich :D AWESOME!!!!

am now in Databases, but I got sidetracked, I had a brainwave wi=hich has helped me to finish the coding, so now I need to do the annotyation and complete the rest of the tasks for that assignment, and hand it in, then I am finished :D

but back to databases >.> I have some tweaks to make to this assignemnt, then a presentation to create, and then 2 more assignments that need to be in on the 18th and 30th of this month respectively. I'll probably get them donw and handed in together, unless I manage to catch up with what I have oputstanding >.>

anywho, I am seeing some properties today, one in calcot, one just off oxford road near tilehurst. then later I get to see Master, have dinner with Him, and then we are off to the Fetish Studio for some fun :) I get my punishment first, and then when we have all calmed down, we get to play nicely ;) I am sooooooooo looking forward to it.

Tomorrow means an early start for Him, and I am seeing some more property around lunch time (1pm), and then coursework and sorting out my bedroom again. Not sure if I have RP tomorrow night, its all still up in the air, but i'm sure i will find out soon enough :)

anyway, i better get back to my coursework, need to get these updates finished :)

Love and hugs to all :D

03:43 pm: argh!!!
I got a text from karl, saying that he misses me :(

Can't he just leave me alone?

12:15 am: once burned, twice shy...
or so the saying goes, and so it is with trepidation that I admit that hearing my Master tell me He loves me, fills my entire being with joy. I long to hear those words spoken to me by my Master, despite the fact it has been such a short time frame since He agreed to accept my submission.

I already have the love and affection I crave from chief_heckler, and I love him dearly, but there is a part of me that will forever be a subby, and I know he can't give me that. Which is why a part of me truly longs for a Master that I can love unconditionally, the only way a submissive can love her Master.

However, tonight was the first time Master has said that to me in person, and my heart both flew and sank at the same time. It is difficult to explain, and I hope He understands, that my not returning that statement, that fact, doesn't mean I don't feel the same way, only that I am not ready to physically take that step and say it to Him yet.

I know in my heart that I love my Master, I truly do, but at the same time, after all I have been through these past few months, and the pace at which we are progressing, I am letting my head take control once again, and holding back. I think I need to, just to make sure that this is not some silly infatuation, that I'm not just caught up in the romance, that it is real, and that it is right.

I have spoken to chief_heckler about this on a couple of occasions, and he agrees with me totally: the relationship is progressing very fast, and we need to make sure that everyone is comfortable and ready for this to happen. Its a big step, and one that feels right, but I just need to be sure, yanno? And I still want to know what Marcus has said to Master. He told me that he has mentioned the speed of the relationship, and that we need to slow down, but other than that, I have no idea what has been said. Seems this was an agreement between the two of them, so I guess I will just have to suck it up and accept that the two of them are plotting against me >.>

Not that I am complaining of course, because at the end of the day, it means more attention for me :)

So anyway, today (in general) has been an interesting day, full of spring cleaning (getting rid of clutter in the bedroom) baking cakes (for Masters birthday today) and visiting Him and His. It was a nice evening, chatting and laughing, and being close to Him, but infuriating because it was 'nilla and I had to behave. Oh to have had a chance to have a chat and some U/us time >.> Nevermind, will soon be wednesday, and I shall have all evening with Him (and no, I won't have any coursework to do:P).

and there were three things Master learnt about me today:

1. I am partially deaf


2. I am a Barry Manilow fan


3. (can't remember the third (lolololol))

Oh, and I had bells on today, but not my clip, as that would not have been very discreet >.>

Right, time to sign off. I need to finish supper, and get to bed, its a long day tomorrow. And if I remember the third item, I will let you know ;)

*hugs* night all ;)

12:06 am: can it be...
...that i am the happiest subby on the planet right now? My Master loves, needs and wants me, and i Him.

And yet, at the same time, we love want and need our respective other halves even more now than ever before...

Its a wonderful feeling, and one that I think everyine should experience, at least once ;)

02:52 pm: this is stupid...
I'm sat here at home, alone, trying to study, but instead I am thinking about all the things I want to do, I want to try, and I just want to do it all.... NOW.

This is a totally irrational thought on my behalf, as Master has other plan,s and a life, and so do I, outside of our relationship with each other. But I just can't get over the need to atone for my discretion, and the fact that, actually, there is a lot more that I want to do and try than I have been letting on.

I have some sheets that I need to send to Master, some very specific slave training sheets, that I thin would be wonderful to learn, not only because it gives absolute control over to Him, but also because it will help me control myself, and embrace my submissive side fully.

And then there are the partoes etc that I want to attend, so that I can show off and be the proud subby, displaying my Master to all and sundry. Again, thats an irrational thought that nweeds to be taken down a peg or two.

It's difficult, as I know that I am new to His pre-exisiting relationship. I need to know what boundaries there are when the 4 of us are together. Like wednesday, when bratboy got home from work, got changed and sat down, I just wanted to jump in his lap and give him a huge hug, but I didn't because I was unsure as to whether I was allowed to or not. There are also times when we are in bed, when I will wake up, and want to put my arms around Mistress Storm, to be close to another woman and feel that familiarity, but again, what is the protocol? I don't want to step on any toes, being the "new kid on the block", but at the same time, i am very tactile and intimate with many people, and feel that, as we are in a poly-group together, that I have more right to be tactile with my Master and my new "family" than anyone else...

And weekends are a pain in the arse. This week especially so, as I have a lot of studying to do before I go on holiday (though I suspect I will have a lot to do whilst away too), and all I want is to have some fun, maybe have an hour or two break from my laptop to have a good session, clear my head, before getting back to it. but thats not going to happen, especially not now I'm on an orgasm ban >.> (and psshh... of your gonna put me on a ban, you gotta stick to it, no half measures :P)

Its Master's birthday Monday, so I need to make a cake for him before chief_heckler and I head over there. not going to be any chance of play there, as it is a slightly more vanilla scene, which means I have to wait for Wednesday. which is punishment day. I'm not looking forward to it, although I have already stated that what ever i go through will not be enough to make up for being such a freaking idiot. but there we go, we'll see what happens.

I think writing in my diary again has really helped me clear my head and put things into perspective for me. This whole sorry affair with Karl is a whole lot easier to deal with now than it was yesterday. whether that was because I spoke/wrote about it and got it off my chest, or whether that it is because I have had some sleep after a bloody good cry, I don't know. but I do know that today I have only pined after him twice. well, lets make that 3 times, now I am thinking about him again. but the point is, yesterday was a difficult day for me. I felt like I was losing a part of myself, and I needed time and space, and for people to say they understand, and nothing more. I knew I would get over it, but when your head and your heart are at logger heads, and your being utterly irrational because your emotions are running riot, the last thing you need to hear is that you are being selfish, and need to suck it up and get on with it. At least, thats not how I deal with things. I'm jst thankful i didn't ruin everything and that Master and I worked it out and dealt with it. I think Monday will be a very easy day for me, not least because I'll have had some space, and will be able to put my arms around my Master and know that whatever happened, I am wanted and needed, and that I will be looked after.

Another thing has just occured to me. I have gone without being a subby for so very long, I feel like I need to make up for lost time, which is why I am being so irrational and wanting ALL the attention in the world. Or at least, that is my theory. Not sure how truwe it is, but maybe that side of me is saying that its about time and wants more attention, or maybe it is just my subconcious telling me I didn't get a beating wednesday just gone, and am over due. Either way, maybe Master will work it out and tell me what i should do...

so, anyway, I have no viewings this afternoon, as the second place i want to see is not available until weds afternoon (around 4pm), so I am going to get on with my studies, and then go over to a friends to celebrate his 40th :)

Love and hugs to all, i shall try to do an update later, if I get a breather from the kids that is ;)

12:09 pm: *sigh*
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And yet, I feel so sick and utterly defeated I wonder if I can really go on...

So, as per my brief post yesterday, I went to see Karl last night. The idea was to meet for a drink, and have a chat. And for me to see if I really could stay friends with him, after all we have put each other through.

The simple answer is No. The full answer? Well, that's very much a convoluted tale of treachery, misdirection and new feelings...

( some use of bad language and graphic descriptions follow... )

08:24 pm: Hmmmz

I know I am playing with fire, but I need to ensure that I have him out of my system, and so I have decided to see Karl. It's only for a couple of hours, but still...

I have feelings for him, that much is true, but I need to see how deep those feelings run, and if what he says is true. It's make or break time, and I know that if nothing happens, I'm fine. If it does, then I know I have to walk away...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: via ljapp

11:05 pm: meh...
its just after 11pm, and I am sat here at a dinner table in a friends house, somewhere I don't recognise. I'm studying, or at least, I'm trying to complete a very out of date assignment that needs to be sent off for verification, and whilst I was having a break, I accepted my Masters friend request.

Before I did that though, I read what he had posted to his account, and to say I was a little taken aback was an understatement. He talks about his partner, and how they are devoted to each other, but they can't give each other everything they need. He goes on to talk about his slut, and how they are happy together, and that this is just the start of their relationship together.

Now, I know that he means me, because lets face it, I am something of a slut, in more ways than one. But that is just who I am, I've always been this way, and have no intention to change it, at the moment at least :P But reading that humbled me, and I am honoured to call him Sir. In fact, I would possibly go so far to say that He is my Master, but its too soon, and we have so much to explore and discuss, that I don't want to scare him away, just yet :P

As I mentioned, we are at the start of our journey together. I am still very much in love with Marcus. We have had a very turbulent start to this year, but I feel that, now that I have found someone I can submit to, things will iron out, and we will be stronger than ever in our relationship together. Its a shame that so much had to happen to make us realise what was happening to us, but Marcus is happy for me to do this, as he knows that we can't give each other everything the other person needs. Much like Sir has said about his relationship with his partner.

So, with his blessing, I am embarking on a new relatiponship as a submissive to Sir. this is completely seperate to my relationship with Marcus, and yet, somehow, it feels like it is part of the same thing. I feel so much more complete now, knowing that both parts of me are being given the attention they need, and I feel much better about myself because of it. I'm even relaxing about my body too :)

but anyway, I'm going to get into trouble for not finishing my coursework, so I better get on. I think I might stop of and read his entry again, if nothing else, just because it shows that I am wanted and needed and indeed loved as a sub and a slut. It makes me warm inside, and puts a smile on my face ;)

*hugs*

Expect more of these ;) and yeah, in the fux account too :P

02:04 pm: *cries*
Had my heartbroken this week, through my own stupidity. I fell in love with someone who was not available, although he insisted he was, only for him to drop me from a great height.

It hurts that he can invoke all these feelings inside me, and just brush them aside, utterly uncaring for how it makes me feel.

And I know that, at the end of the day, if he said he wanted me, I would drop everything at the drop of a hat. Heck, I was going to delete my profile on here and dump everyone and everything I have ever known to be with him, thats how into my head he got.

But now I know its not going to happen. All I'm waiting for now, is for him to change his status to being in a relationship with this other girl, and I will know that its over, forever. Until then, I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I want to text him, call, email him, but I know I can't because it will make me feel worse than I do now. Its only the fact I'm staying with a friend that stops me falling over the edge and doing something worse (and yeah, i've already done that once over him, but we'll keep that one quiet).

And yet, through all of this, he has come across utterly uncaring. If he loves me as much as he said, why is he not hurting as much as I am?

*cries* I miss my Pooky :(

09:48 am: hmmm...
so, do I tell his gf that he's been seeing me behind her back?

Or do I just accept that he has hurt me, and not retaliate?

10:51 am: meh...
so, here's the deal...

I met a guy, called himself Trent (although on FB he's called Karl, and he regularly slips back into calling himself Karl, go figure...)

Anyway, we met randomly, completely by chance, through a silly message he left on gumtree. we got chatting, and things went from there.

Sadly, I didn't expect to fall in love with him, which I have. I think about him every waking minute, i dream about him constantly, and when I am not with him, my whole world falls apart. Classic signs of being in love, yeah?

Now, he told me that he had split from his gf a while ago, and was single. That was back when we first met. a couple of weeks later, it turns out that no, he hasn't split from her, he was waiting for the right moment to do it, and doing it before Valentines day, or by text, was something he was not willing to do. Knowing my circumstances, and my history, I could understand that, although I was somewhat peeved that he had lied to me, but more on that later.

So, the last 2 months have been spent with me seeing him twice a week. I got a hotel room twice so we could actually have some fun together, instead of fucking in the great outdoors (which I will freely admit is FUCKING AWESOME!!!). It has been amazing and wonderful, and I have been so happy with him, forgetting about everything in my life that is so shitty at the moment.

But last night, on skype, I got this:
[00:26:22]" I've been thinking long and hard about this and I dont want to have to make this decision, but anyway I do this, you get hurt, I get hurt and I can't win in any situation at all... I stay with you, you get shit from everybody, I split from you and you feel like crap and the shit goes away, (Both scenarios, I feel like shit because I worry about you). But this stress is doing you no good and I want you to feel better and to be healthy. Not having to worry about money, not having to worry about me, and I want you to get back to your self, the way you were before you met me... Happy, stress free, no problems with your friends and able to have a good life without me fucking ruining it... I'm sorry that I came into your life, I've caused nothing bit shit for you and I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much and I want so much from you... I want... Well I can't even say what I want because its way too early in the relationship for me to say this, but you know how I feel and what I would do for you... You're my world and I love spending time with you ebcause you make me laugh, smile and I can be my self... You make me happy and all my friends can see that and show their support... Where as yours dont... They make you unwell and I don't want to be the cause of that...

So what I'm trying to say I guess... Is that until you get better... Until you get your life the way you want it and feel happy without the stress of everything... I can't be with you... I want to, SO BADLY! But its like what I said... "When you love someone, you do whats best for them" and at the moment. Your health matters to me and I dont want you to be stressed/worried/upset... I just want you do what you need to do to get back there.

I love you..."

Now, he is insanely jealous that I am here in Jersey with one of my best friends, who happens to be male. We went out last night for dinner, when he got back from the UK, as he wasn't here when I arrived, and we had stuff to catch up on, and my phone was in need of a charge, so I left it here. Trent really wasn't happy, and practically accused me of sleeping with Ed. We didn't really have a chat about it, because as soon as I got onto Skype, he sent that essay, which resulted in tears and heartache.

I know what everyone else thinks, that he is just playing me, he has no intention of leaving Dani, etc etc, but you know what? I don't give a fuck, because he makes me happy. Happier than I have been in a long time, and he makes me feel alive. Now, if that means the only way I get to see him is behind her back, so be it: I will turn into the Queen Bitch and have what I want. But what I don't want, is for him to lie to me.

As it stands, he has said he can't date me, because it causes too much friction with my friends. My response to that is "Fuck my friends. If they really are friends, they won't judge me, and will accept my decisions" And This is the important part: I mean that.

If I end up having to choose between friends and a moment of happiness, guess what? I'll take the happiness thanks.

All I have to do now is convince him that its worth taking a chance, and things will get better. But if he's not talking to me, what chance do I have? I had little sleep last night. I turned my phone off so I didn't get woken up or lay there waiting for a text, but it didn't help. I feel like shit this morning, like my heart has been torn in two. I just want to be back in his arms, but it doesn't look like that is ever going to happen again, and the way I am feeling at the moment, I seriously believe that I'm somewhat at risk of doing something very stupid...

Why can't these things ever be simple?

09:39 pm: I is...
In jersey :)

02:46 pm: yet another piggin update...

We are now doing sushi tonight and the Gaucho Grill tomorrow night.

If you would like to update your plans with us, please feel free.

I'm off to find some half decent sushi places now...

11:56 am: RSVP!!! (hotel updated due to a cancellation...)
As its my birthday tomorrow, Marcus is taking me shopping in London.

We are staying at the Jurys Clifton Ford Hotel and Health Club near Bond street, and will be heading to the Gaucho Grill tonight for dinner.

Then tomorrow we hit Camden, good and hard :D

If any of you would like to meet up and catch up, please feel free to contact me on my gmail account, call my mobile, or turn up at either the Gaucho Grill (found here) or the hotel (found here). You are also more than welcome to find us in Camden (calling us would be a good idea, we could be anywhere...)

check back later, in case we have to change the hotel or restaurant (neither have confirmed our booking, could be because we made them at about 10pm last night)

03:10 pm: so, here's a mini update
Yes, I am alive and kicking and not getting into any trouble at all... yet.

I have my driving test on wednesday 3rd January (2 days away)

I have Pink hair :)

My Birthday is in 9 days on the 10th January.

Marcus and I have been together for almost 2 years now.

And I still have issues typing 'have' on this damned laptop, i keep writing ahve and having to go back and re-type it.

So, for my Birthday, I am planning on visiting TWO clubs.

Drop Zone is on the 13th January, After which I am planning on going to Slimelight.

Fingers crossed there will be a few people who can make it :) would be good to say hello, catch up, wish y'all a happy new year and generally have a fabulous time :)

If there is anyone who you think would be interested in this news that hasn't got access to LJ, please forward these details on, with my email address (available on request, or by visiting my details page)

I am also adding this post to Myspace.com (chief_heckler) for those that are on there.

Hope to see you soon :)